Before I begin my first lecture, I should take a moment to introduce myself. My name is Doctor E Vibenstein. The "E" does not stand for anything; I am the fifth of twenty-seven children and my parents had very little imagination. I do have older brothers called A, B, C and D; and younger brothers F, G, H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O, P, Q, R, S, T, U, V, W, X, Y, Z and Dave. My mother's 26th and final pregnancy unexpectedly resulted in twins, thus upsetting the entire system.
Ah. I appear to have strayed somewhat from the original point of my lecture. Forgive me. Now, as this is my first lecture to you, my audience, I do not intend to stand here for hours on end, bamboozling you with talk of things you do not understand, and gesticulating wildly in the hope of being spotted by somebody who works in the television industry and who will secure me a job as some kind of "nutty professor" figure on a low-budget television programme designed to convince the working classes that science is somehow "fun", leading to worldwide fame, untold wealth and a guest appearance on a Thomas Dolby record. Although that would be quite agreeable. I can say the word "science" in just as many different ways as the late Dr Magnus Pyke could. The loud, manic one - "SCIENCE!!!"... the quiet, sinister one - "science"... the funny little squeaky one that wasn't actually used on the record - "sciENCE!"
Er, oh. My apologies, I seem to have strayed from
the point again. As I was saying, I intend to keep my first lecture
brief. As I go through my series of lectures, you may find that some
of my views are a little,
shall we say, "controversial". Indeed, this term
I have been specifically asked not to give one of my favourite lectures,
in which I present my theory that Glenn Miller is still alive and now runs
a fish farm in Wales. However, as I am now running a little short
of time, the subject of today's lecture is a theory which I am sure will
be familiar to you all. In today's lecture I shall prove that space
aliens have landed on Earth and are living amongst us.
Now, I realise that most of you subscribe to this theory
anyway, but surprising as it may seem, I have encountered a handful of
students who refuse to believe that this is the case. For this reason,
and also
because it's my job, I shall now state the proof behind
the theory.
First of all, it is simply not true that aliens look vastly
different to us. There is no reason for Martians to have green skin,
three heads and fourteen legs. Any time saved by being able to walk
seven times as fast
as humans would be negated by the time spent putting
on seven pairs of Martian shoes every time you wanted to nip down the Martian
tobacconist's for a packet of 27 Martian ciggies. This artist's impression
of a Martian shows that aliens are almost indistinguishable from humans.
Figure 1 - Artist's impression of a Martian.
This brings me to my second point - the ever increasing
number of reported "alien abductions". Again, I must scotch a few
myths on this subject. Scotch. Mmmm. I vote we continue
this lecture in the pub.
Last one down the Pig & Whistle buys the round!
Oh no, sorry, what am I thinking of? They won't be open yet.
Er, perhaps later.
Where was I? I have absolutely no idea. I shall move on, and talk briefly about the ever increasing number of reported "alien abductions". Now, I'm sure many of you have experienced the horror of suddenly finding yourself in an alien spaceship, being examined intimately by a group of very tall beings with silvery heads and big eyes. I speak with great authority on this subject, because my ex-wife was once abducted in this way and she has since described it to me in great detail. But have you ever wondered how the aliens decide who to "beam up", if I may use that ghastly phrase? Well, now it can be revealled.
When a human being - usually female, apparently - is examined in this way, it is because she has been chosen as a potential sexual partner for an alien living on Earth. Soon after her examination, the subject finds herself irresistably attracted to a total stranger, to the extent where she spends all day, every day making mad, passionate love to him, with no control over her actions. Of course, she doesn't realise that the stranger is an alien until it is too late, and she is forced to leave her husband, marry the alien and, for reasons which we have not yet been able to understand, move to the south of France.
I notice a few of you looking sceptical. Well, I have to admit, there was a time when I too doubted this theory, but my ex-wife insists that this is the reason we for our divorce, so it must be true. I still maintain that those Marvin Gaye albums were mine. Still, too late now.
So........... oh yes, I remember. To conclude my
theory, I would like you to perform a small experiment. Once this
lecture is over, I want everybody to go outside, stand in a public place,
and shout the word
"rudder" over and over again at the top of your voice.
"Rudder" is an old Venusian word meaning "please come and get me".
I guarantee that within an hour, the aliens will arrive and take you away.
In order to
blend in with their surroundings, they may well be wearing
uniforms, and will probably take you to a secret alien base, cleverly disguised
as a police station or mental hospital.
So, to sum up: aliens have landed on Earth and are living amongst us. And it must be true, because I say so.
Any questions? Of course not. Thank you for your attention, and if any of you manage to escape from the secret alien bases, I look forward to talking at you again in the very near future.
