My name, as I'm sure you're all deliciously aware, is
E Vibenstein. I won't go through the tedious
rigmarole of explaining my name again, as I'm sure you
don't really give a monkey's. Now, down to
business. What a strange phrase that is.
Business is surely more important than anything else, and as
such must be on a higher level, therefore the phrase
should really be "up to business". Still, that's not
really my concern - I'm a scientist, not a philosopher.
Er, anyway, down to... that is, up to... well, to business.
Are there any science fiction fans here today?
Any sad, bespectacled teenage boys who speak fluent Klingon,
greet everyone with the phrase "Live long
and prosper", and have no girlfriend? I see a few
shameful faces out there. Well, I would advise you to
leave immediately, because the theme of today's lecture
is "Why Time Travel Is Not Possible."
Let us examine the evidence. First of all, we....
one moment. You, boy! Yes, you with the pointy ears!
Go on, get out! Out! It's what? Well,
it seems perfectly logical to me. Go on, out!
My apologies. The evidence. First of all,
if time travel were indeed possible, someone in the future will
have built a time machine and would have come back in
time to prove it, and yet this has never happened.
Raise your hand if you have ever been in a time machine...
oh, have you now? Well, perhaps you'd like
to tell us about it. Yes, you there, with the pointy...
I thought I told you to get out? Go on! I don't
care how illogical you find it, get out and stay out!
Ahem. Sorry. Where was I? Oh yes, time
machines. If they exist in the future, they must exist in the
present, and must have existed in the past.
Now, this is where all the geeky, unpopular boys raise
their hands and say "But, Dr Vibenstein, perhaps
time travel is only possible from the time the machine
is invented onwards, how do you explain that? And
can you hurry up about it, The X Files is coming on."
And my answer to that is nonsense. Sorry, my
answer to that is, "Nonsense."
Let us imagine that time is some kind of huge moving walkway,
on which we stand still and allow
ourselves to be carried forwards. If one walks
forward, while still being carried forward by the walkway,
one arrives at one's destination faster than one would
if one were not walking. Yes, what is it, you with
the pointy... are you still here? Of course it's
logical, you're just not listening properly. Get out! And
don't start all that talk, I'm already very old and prosperous.
Go on, out!
My apologies once again. Where were we? Oh
yes, on the moving walkway. Now, if one were to turn
around and start walking backwards, although still being
carried forwards, one would eventually arrive
back at one's starting position, and one could then carry
on beyond that point. If we relate this back to the
earlier unlikely moving walkway/time analogy, we can
see that, although more difficult, it is possible to
move backwards through time as well as forwards.
"But Dr Vibenstein," the social inadequates will now rush
to point out, "you just said that time travel was
impossible, and now you're saying it is possible.
How can the two states possibly co-exist in peace and
harmony? And how long will it be before my voice
breaks?"
Well, you will remember that my forwards and backwards
time travel theory was based on time being a
huge moving walkway; and indeed I think I have proved
beyond doubt that it is possible to move both
forwards and backwards on a moving walkway.
However, unless you are spectacularly stupid - and,
looking at some of you, I can't rule out that possibility
- you can't have failed to notice that time is not a
moving walkway, ergo I conclude that time travel is not
possible. If it were, everyone would win the
lottery every week.
Any questions? No, not you with the pointy ears.
Anyone else? No? Good. Now, for further research,
I recommend that you go out and start walking backwards
on moving walkways. If you don't get
arrested, I look forward to talking at you again very
soon.
