JANUARY 1998
NEW PULP ALBUM
- EXCLUSIVE DETAILS!
SHANE MacGOWAN
ATTACKED ON STAGE
FEBRUARY 1998
"ONLY DODD CAN
JUDGE ME" CLAIMS MORRISON
MENSWEAR IN ROAD
TRAFFIC PROTEST
MARCH 1998
CHUMBAWAMBA IN
PRACTICAL JOKES OUTRAGE
MILLENNIUM BUG
HITS MUSIC WORLD
APRIL 1998
FRENCH ENTRY TIPPED TO WIN EUROVISION
EARLY OASIS RECORDINGS FOUND
MAY 1998
EARLY OASIS RECORDINGS SOLD
BERNARD BUTLER TO SPLIT
JUNE 1998
SPICE GIRLS ANNOUNCE GINGER REPLACEMENT
STARS SUPPORT ENGLAND'S WORLD CUP CAMPAIGN
JULY 1998
THE DRUGS DON'T WORK FOR SIR GEORGE
HELP AT HAND FOR OVERWORKED ROCK STARS
AUGUST 1998
VIRTUAL SINATRA TO TOUR
"THE ARTIST" CHANGES NAME AGAIN
SEPTEMBER 1998
OASIS "NOT BEATLES"
SHOCK CLAIM HORROR THING
Xfm ANNOUNCES
NEW MUSIC POLICY
OCTOBER 1998
STONE ROSES SINGER
JAILED
EIGHTIES REVIVAL
GATHERS PACE
NOVEMBER 1998
TOP DANCE ACT
IN LEGAL BATTLE
RINGO BOX SET
PLANNED FOR 1999
DECEMBER 1998
ALTERNATIVE CAR
PARK REVIEW OF THE YEAR
Morrison faces charges of assault, aggravated assault, grievous bodily harm, actual bodily harm, arson, driving without due care and attention, burglary, buggery, incest, escorting a minor across a state boundary for immoral purposes, gross indecency, grand larceny, mass murder, treason, and shoplifting. Yet he has failed to show up for over 800 scheduled court appearances, claiming "Only God can judge me."
Alternative Car Park was due to talk to Morrison yesterday, but he failed to arrive for the interview. However, a spokesman told us, "You've got it all wrong. What Mark actually said was, 'Only Dodd can judge me.' Mark's a tremendous fan of the comedian Ken Dodd, with his comedy buck teeth and tickling stick. Ken is the only person for whom Mark has any respect."
We asked Ken Dodd for a comment,
but as usual all he would say was "By Jove, missus, tattifilarious."
So we broke his legs with a sledgehammer.
Alternative Car Park spoke to Johnny from Menswear yesterday, who told us, "Oh yes, very funny. We're just a big joke to you, aren't we? Just because we had a string of one top ten hit two years ago and nothing since, you think we're all washed up! But you'll see! We shall return!"
Lada spokesman Frank Dubious told us: "What a load of old cobblers. We didn't name our car after the band Menswear, it's a complete coincidence. Our cars have a bad enough name as it is without associating them with a bunch of hasbeen Britpop chancers."
In an unrelated incident, Menswear
were last week dropped by their record label.
Insiders believe members of the band have placed a whoopee cushion on the Speaker's chair, left novelty black-hand soap in the Commons washroom, thrown stink bombs from the public gallery, and deposited a plastic dog turd on the steps of 10 Downing Street.
However, a member of the government
is believed to have taken revenge on the band by squirting a can of shaving
foam into their suitcases, resulting in Mr Nobacon having to appear in
public on the day after the awards wearing a leather skirt.
Professor Hans Tedious of Aberdeen University told us: "It's a nightmare. Nobody realises just how many songs will become obsolete in the year 2000. As usual, the movie industry has taken all the resources - they've got over a thousand people working on the project to produce a millennium-compliant version of '2001: A Space Odyssey'. What they forget is that we have less than nine months to update Prince's '1999' before it becomes obsolete. The Artist is already having to sing 'Tonight I'm gonna party like it's next year.' Once that's done, we still have to work on the likes of 'Disco 2000' by Pulp, and '20th Century Boy' by T-Rex."
Asked what would happen if the deadlines
were not met, Professor Tedious warned of potentially dire consequences.
"These songs may have to be taken out of circulation," he explained, "and
replaced with songs which are already millennium-compliant, such as 'End
Of A Century' by Blur, 'Millennium' by Killing Joke, and - God
help us - '21st Century Boy' by Sigue Sigue Sputnik."
Some bookmakers have already stopped taking bets on the French entry, "Pomp De La Pomp De Pomp De Pomp", which will be performed by France's top ambient techno group Tu As Mangé Mon Chapeau at the contest on May 9th. France's premier rock magazine, Musique Merde, has hailed the song as "three minutes of pure musical genius; a celebration of the resilience of the human spirit in the face of adversity, plus the inevitable key-change 45 seconds before the end, which all Eurovision songs seem to have." In French.
The song has already spent eight months at number one in France, and has sold in excess of 1.3 billion copies. Jean-Pierre Valise, the band's lead trombonist, told Alternative Car Park: "We are confident of scoring more points than all of Finland's previous entries put together. With a little luck, we might even get into three figures."
Meanwhile, controversy surrounds the Austrian entry after
their attempt to enter "Stairway To Heaven" by Led Zeppelin was rejected.
Contest officials insist that Austria must enter the song which won their
national heat, "Achtung, Ich Habe Durchfall" by Kertopfelkopf.
Very few details are known about the tape, but it is believed to have been recorded around fifteen years ago, on a cheap portable cassette recorder in Noel Gallagher's bedroom. Although the sound quality is not great, aspects of the Gallagher brothers' later work can clearly be heard in tracks such as "How Do You Turn This F***in' Thing On?", "If You Pull The F***in' Microphone Out Again I'll Smash Your F***in' Head In, Our Kid", and the heartbreaking "Mum! Noel's Recorded His Stupid Songs Over My Smurfs Tape!"
Experts have described the find as "most unusual", and
suggested that the tape could fetch anything up to 75p.
As Alternative Car Park revealed last month, the tape was recorded around fifteen years ago, on a cheap portable cassette recorder in Noel Gallagher's bedroom. The tape has now been sold privately for an undisclosed sum, believed to be in the region of 48p.
The buyer, Mr Frank Fontana, who asked to remain anonymous, told us: "I see it as an investment. At the moment I'm 48p down on the deal, and obviously it will cost me an arm and a leg, or possibly two arms, to get the bootleg CDs pressed up, but if I can sell them all before the Oasis bubble inevitably bursts, I stand to make quite a tidy profit."
The anonymous buyer, who lives at 32 High Street, Basingstoke,
went on to say, "I think it's a shame that the average Oasis fan is not
being given the chance to hear these songs. They give a tremendous
insight into how the young Noel Gallagher's mind worked." Songs on
the tape and inevitable bootleg CD include "When Can I Start Shaving?",
"Will These Zits Never Go Away?" and "Stop That, You'll Go Blind".
A spokesman for Creation Records told Alternative Car Park, "Bernard's had two solo hits and he feels that's more than enough. He doesn't want to get stale. After all, look at Suede - he released five singles with them before he left, and that was long overdue."
Following the split, Bernard's left hand side will be
known simply as "Bernard" and his right hand side as "Butler". It
is believed that Bernard plans to form a new band, Bernard McCarroll, with
the right hand side of ex-Oasis drummer Tony McCarroll. Butler's
plans are unknown, but he is rumoured to be in discussions with one of
the Thompson Twins.
The Duchess will join Emma, Victoria, Mel B and Mel C on their forthcoming US tour. At a press conference in London, the girls shouted some unintelligible nonsense about Girl Power while not really answering any questions.
Mediocre rock journalist Rick Splatt told Alternative Car Park: "I'm sure Fergie will inject some life into the band. It'll be very encouraging for the girls to have a Ginger Spice younger than Geri."
In an exclusive (but very brief) interview with Alternative
Car Park, the Duchess laughed, snorted, and yelled "Royal power!" directly
into our microphone, breaking the tape recorder, before jetting off for
a ski-ing holiday.
The song, "Sick As A Parrot", has been specially written by Morrissey, who also performs on the record alongside members of Radiohead and The Verve. Unlike previous World Cup songs, the new track contains less optimistic lyrics such as "England / We're going out in the first round / And even if we scrape through / We'll lose to Germany again / You can be sure of it."
An unnamed spokesman, Johnny from Radiohead, told Alternative
Car Park: "We expect it to sell extremely well in Scotland, Wales and Ireland."
He also denied that they had asked ex-Spice Girl Geri Halliwell to participate
in the recording. "After we saw her last performance with the Spice
Girls on Top Of The Pops, we decided she was too miserable even for us."
Sir George, who owes his fame, knighthood and enormous wealth to his production work on such Beatles classics as "Lucy In The Sky With Diamonds", "Day Tripper" and "Drugs Are Great, Everybody Start To Take Them Now", went on to say that record labels should immediately drop all bands whose members took drugs.
Well-meaning but muddle-headed Sir George's outburst has
since been blamed for the financial collapse of seventeen of the UK's top
record labels, and for a sudden influx of Cliff Richard records into the
chart.
The plight of overworked rock stars was highlighted by chart compilers CIN's decision to reduce the maximum number of tracks on a single from four to three. CIN claims this decision was taken in response to rock stars' complaints that they were under too much pressure to come up with four tracks for each single.
The new charity, Help Overworked Rock Stars Entertain (H.O.R.S.E.) aims to make rock stars' lives easier by collecting unwanted songs and donating them to the artists, who can then sample them, build new songs around them, and claim full writing credits.
Top rock manager "Big" Davy Sparkle told us, "It's about time. My artists spend so much time making videos, going to parties and performing sexual favours in the name of promotion, that they barely have any time to themselves as it is. I think it's a disgrace that they're expected to make records as well! I expect H.O.R.S.E. to lift a huge burden off their puny shoulders. Mind you, a lot of my acts have been using horse for support for years. Yes, Sir George, that was a drugs reference."
If you have any unwanted songs you wish to donate, please
send them to: H.O.R.S.E., Second Cubicle On The Left, Gents' Toilets, Central
Station, Glasgow.
Alternative Car Park has learned that the company has created a prototype RoboSinatra, a fully computerised robot which looks and sounds exactly like Frank Sinatra, circa 1965.
A senior member of the RoboSinatra project team, Dr David Cobblers, told us: "The good thing is that the programming doesn't have to be exact, in fact it adds to the authenticity if the virtual Sinatra occasionally sings out of time, hits the wrong note, or forgets the words. It's only at the prototype stage at the moment, but within six months we hope to have the first production model available, and by the middle of 1999 we should be producing the RoboSinatra XL, which will be 50 feet tall for use in larger arenas or stadiums."
Dr Cobblers went on to reveal plans for further enhancement of the technology. "The RoboSinatra XL will use elements of Frank's voice, digitally remastered and reprocessed, to enable it to sing songs Frank never even recorded," he told us. "We hope to have an album out in time for Christmas, which will include Frank's versions of Smells Like Teen Spirit, Wonderwall, and Barbie Girl."
Despite the huge amount of technology involved, Dr Cobblers
is confident that the RoboSinatra will not encounter any problems.
"Our Virtual Queen Mother has been in constant daily use since 1969, and
apart from a few minor component failures, it has never let us down."
The Artist's previous identities have included Prince; Victor; TAFKAP; that funny little squiggly thing; The Artist Formerly Known As Prince; The Artist Currently Not Known As Prince; The Artist Who Would Like To Be Known As Prince Again But Can't Go Back To Using The Name Prince As It Would Be A Terribly Embarrassing About Turn; and Dave.
Now, in a rare, frank and totally made-up interview, old what's-his-name has acknowledged that his constant changes of image could be the reason for his recent decline in record sales. "Obviously, the problem is that people don't know where to look for my CDs in record stores," he squeaked to Alternative Car Park. "They don't know whether to look under 'P' for Prince, 'T' for TAFKAP, 'A' for Artist Formerly Known As Prince, or a special section created simply to accommodate my special symbol."
So how does Prin... er, TAFK... er, squiggle, plan to
revive his flagging career? "Simple," he told us. "I'm going
to change my name to Aqua."
Mr Splatt, who recently completed a first class honours degree in Stating The Bleeding Obvious, told a well-known broadcaster, "No matter how many Beatles references they put in their lyrics, how many videos they make with yellow submarines in them, or how many Rutles songs they borrow, Oasis are not, and can never be, The Beatles. There's five of them, which is one too many."
The shock outburst has provoked furious reactions from Mr Splatt's colleagues. One journalist, who asked not to be named for fear of reprisals, told us that Mr Splatt should "jump forward in time three years and join the rest of us, discussing whether or not Embrace and The Verve are actually the same band under different names." Another suggested that Mr Splatt should "go stick his head in a bucket of pig swill."
In an exclusive and totally fictitious interview, Noel
Gallacher angrily told us: "I heard the news today, oh boy! I was
f***in' furious at first, but I calmed down with a little help from my
friends, and now I feel fine. I wish he'd just let it be."
The station's new chief executive, 89-year-old Sir Albert Plop, told us: "Obviously we want to continue giving exposure to new bands, but you have to draw the line somewhere. I'm sure nobody really wants to hear Exploding Pig, Lung Butter, or Elephantitis. Or Exploding Pig. Did I already mention them? My mind's not what it was, you know."
The station, which had been playing only pre-recorded bird sounds since the takeover six months ago, relaunched last week. Regular listeners may have noticed subtle changes, such as the disappearance of all the original DJs, who have been replaced by Alan "Fluff" Freeman, David "Kid" Jensen, and Dave Lee Travis. The playlist has also been extended to include records by Bing Crosby, Johnny Mathis and, most controversially of all, Cast.
Unofficial audience figures suggest a 95% drop in listeners since the relaunch, although station bosses have blamed this on ambient music fans switching off after realising that the past six months' worth of bird sounds was not a new single by The Orb.
Sir Albert Plop assured us that "Xfm is committed to playing
the best mainstream alternative music." When asked how music could
be both mainstream and alternative at the same time, Sir Albert said "Errr....",
then went very quiet and started squeaking a bit.
24-year-old Gertrude Madeupname told the High Court how Brown used threatening behaviour towards her on a recent flight. Ms Madeupname claims that Brown attempted to pick fleas off her, threw banana skins on which she subsequently slipped, and held an impromptu tea party which ended in chaos with Brown and three friends spilling tea everywhere.
Brown, whose solo album "Unfinished Monkey Business" was
a reasonable success earlier this year, denies that his antics were anything
more than "high spirits", and he hopes to be released on bail in time for
him to take up a roll in a pantomime version of "The Jungle Book" in early
December.
The Tweets, whose hit "The Birdie Song" was in the charts for most of 1981, split acrimoniously eighteen months later following the relative lack of success of their follow up singles "Let's All Sing Like The Birdies Sing", "Come Fly With Me" and "Anarchy In The UK"; and the arrest of bass player Joey-boy in a George Michael-style toilet "incident". Joey-boy's subsequent solo album "Who's A Pretty Boy Then?" was largely overlooked.
A spokesman for The Tweets' record company told Alternative
Car Park that the Sash remix of "Birdie Song '98" will be released in time
for Christmas, which probably gives you just enough time to emigrate.
The producer/remixer/thing is being sued by Mr Norbert Klang, of Norwich, who claims that the title of The Tamperer's latest single "If You Buy This Record Your Life Will Be Better" contravenes the Trade Descriptions Act. Mr Klang told Alternative Car Park, "Obviously I can't go into details as legal procedures are, er, proceding, but suffice it to say that I bought this record in good faith, and my life isn't any better at all. In fact, if anything, my life was better before. I was £3.99 richer, and I hadn't heard this derivative, unimaginative, second-hand pile of elephant dung."
The Tamperer was unavailable for
comment at the time of going to press, but sources close to him/her/it
suggest that his/her/its response to the lawsuit involves Mr Klang sticking
the record up a very private part of his anatomy.
It is believed that the box, which will almost certainly be called "Anthology" just like all the others, will include several unfinished songs in a similar vein to Starr's recent single "La De Da", including "Tum Te Tum", "Pom Pom Pom", "Untitled Whistling Song Number 1", "Tiddly-Bom", "Untitled Whistling Song Number 2", and "Will This Do?". Rumours also suggest that the box will be padded out with hilarious out-takes from Ringo's Thomas The Tank Engine sessions, including the legendary "Thomas And The Fat Controller Visit The Will Rogers Memorial Park, Los Angeles" episode, which has circulated amongst collectors on bootleg cassette for several years.
A spokesman for Ringo's record company
told Alternative Car Park: "Why don't you lot just f*** off?"
JANUARY
Liam Gallagher is arrested at Waterloo
station, after smashing a photo booth and beating himself up.
"Nobody takes my fookin' picture,
not even me!" he shouts defiantly as he is led away by police officers.
Robbie Williams and Nicole Appleton
break off their relationship after Robbie calls Nicole "Natalie" by
mistake.
FEBRUARY
Robbie and Nicole make up again.
Controversy rages at the Brit Awards as Jamiroquai's Jay Kay storms
the stage and shows his arse to
the crowd after failing to win "Best Hat."
MARCH
Wyclef Jean disappears, but promises
that he'll only be gone 'til November. Robbie and Nicole break up
again after Robbie discovers that
All Saints have recorded a track for a proposed Gary Barlow tribute
album.
APRIL
Robbie and Nicole make up again.
The possibility of a pop star strike looms as members of 911, Another
Level and Five demand that Boyzone
be broken up in order to reduce their stranglehold on the charts.
MAY
Geri Halliwell leaves the Spice
Girls and appears in publicity photographs without her make-up. Seventeen
make-up manufacturers go bankrupt.
Robbie Williams is photographed breaking into Nicole's house,
armed with a baseball bat.
JUNE
Robbie and Nicole make up again.
Alanis Morissette's career as a professional miseryguts is placed in
jeopardy when she matches three
numbers on the National Lottery and wins £10.
JULY
The pop star strike becomes reality
as all boy bands except for Boyzone withdraw their labour. Critics hail
July as "the best month for music
in the past five years." Robbie dumps Nicole after she refuses to
support England in the World Cup
and persistently asks him to explain the offside rule.
AUGUST
Robbie and Nicole make up again.
The two male members of Steps are stoned by angry pickets as they
arrive to mime to their latest
single on Top Of The Pops. Liam Gallagher unexpectedly turns up to
support Steps, but denies being
stoned.
SEPTEMBER
The pop star strike collapses as
the protesting boy bands suddenly realise they're losing money. The
boys
all release new singles, only to
be kept off the top of the charts by the Spice Girls, All Saints, B*Witched
and Billie. Nicole Appleton
dumps Robbie Williams after realising he wasn't in "Good Morning Vietnam".
OCTOBER
Robbie and Nicole make up again.
R.E.M. release their long awaited new album. It consists of 78
minutes of Michael Stipe repeatedly
chanting the word "spatula", while the rest of the band do some
human beatbox. It sells five
copies, all in the UK.
NOVEMBER
Wyclef Jean returns. Nobody
cares. Liam Gallagher announces his intention to run for Mayor of
London. Having studied the
lyrics to Robbie Williams' hit "No Regrets" in great detail, Nicole Appleton
is
seen entering Robbie's house with
a big axe.
DECEMBER
Robbie and Nicole make up again.
Alanis Morissette suddenly realises that if she'd had four numbers on
the lottery, she could have won
up to £50. Distraught, she releases another album. The
Spice Girls are
allowed to keep the Christmas number
one spot after winning it for the third consecutive year.
