JANUARY 1999
BOYZONE STAR
"WANTS TO BE POPE"
STEREO MC'S OFFICIALLY
REPORTED MISSING
FEBRUARY 1999
BRIT AWARDS CONTROVERSY
RAGES
In a non-existant interview, Ronan told Alternative Car Park: "Obviously Boyzone can't last forever, and I have to make some plans for the future. I have a family to support, after all."
When asked why he thought he could succeed the current Pope, John Paul II, Ronan said, "Well, if two of the Beatles can do it, I'm sure I could have a fair go at it too. To be honest, I haven't really thought about it that much. I was inspired to do something when the transexual Eurovision Song Contest winner Dana International came third in the Irish Presidential elections last year."
A spokesman for Boyzone's record
company later told us: "The boy's off his chump. Pope indeed.
I think his pregnant wife might have something to say about that idea."
Special Constable Brian Psycho, 47, told us: "A member of staff at the Stereo MC's record company raised the alarm last week. It seems that nobody at the label had been concerned at the lack of a new album from the band, until someone realised that their last album was released in 1992. This means that their silence has now extended well beyond five and a half years, or what we call the 'Stone Roses mark'."
When asked what he thought had caused
the band's unusually long silence, Special Constable Psycho replied, "Well,
it could be a number of things. They could be suffering from writer's
block, or there's always the possibility that they're locked in a studio
somewhere, desperately trying to finish an album. However, we're
currently working on the theory that they're just a bunch of lazy bastards."
Doubt was recently cast on the validity of B&S's victory after suggestions that all of the votes cast for the band were sent from the same e-mail address (j_passionfruit@belle&sebastian.com), and also that the band did not qualify as newcomers due to the fact that they have beenhaving hit singles on a regular basis since 1997.
"It's nonsense," Passionfruit told Alternative Car Park yesterday. "We won the vote fair and square. We got more votes than Steps, and if Pete Waterman doesn't like it, he can bloody well lump it."
Passionfruit did, however, suggest a possible settlemet of the dispute. "If any member of Steps wants to come round my house Saturday afternoon, I'll arm-wrestle them for it," he offered. "Winner gets to keep the award. It'll all be fair and above-board, I won't even taunt them about the fact that their two biggest hits have been cover versions. Unless I get drunk. Which I probably will."
The one with the fountain on her
head out of Steps responded to the challenge by giggling a bit and putting
the phone down.
Meanwhile, the Brits committee has decided to withdraw Des'ree's "Best British Female" award after discovering that her single "Life" contains the lyrics: "I don't want to see a ghost/That's the thing that I fear most/Rather have a piece of toast."
Sir Sydney Polecat, chairman of the British Phonographic Industry, told Alternative Car Park: "Obviously there's been some kind of clerical error. We do try to vet all nominees for obvious breaches of acceptable lyrics, but regretably, this one has slipped through. However, we don't think it would be fair to take the award from Des'ree and hand it straight to another nominee, so instead we're giving it to Kate Bush."
A shocked Des'ree told us: "I think
it's bad. I thought up all the words all on my own, with some help,
and I thought they were good. I think the BPI are all bad, and they
should be sent to bed without any supper."
