JUNE 1997
STONE ROSES
TO REFORM!!!
CORPORATION
BUYS RIGHTS TO WORD "OASIS"
PLANS FOR BECK
THEME PARK ANNOUNCED
JULY 1997
GLASTONBURY
'98 TO BE HELD UNDERWATER
NEW PET SHOP
BOYS ALBUM - EXCLUSIVE DETAILS!
AUGUST 1997
OASIS "BIGGER
THAN BOD" SHOCKER
PYE RECORDS RELAUNCHED
EXCLUSIVELY FOR MORRISSEY
PRODIGY ATTEMPT
TO BECOME UNPOPULAR
SEPTEMBER 1997
OASIS EXCLUSIVE:
LIAM GOES TO THE TOILET!
GEORGE HARRISON
CRITICISES EVERYBODY IN THE WORLD!
OCTOBER 1997
CHUMBAWAMBA TRIBUTE
BAND SPLITS UNDER PRESSURE
THE KLF TO REFORM,
SPLIT, REFORM, SPLIT, REFORM AND SPLIT AGAIN
NOVEMBER 1997
NOEL GALLAGHER
SUES HIMSELF!
EX-NEIGHBOURS
STAR IN GOOD RECORD CONTROVERSY
DECEMBER 1997
THE ALTERNATIVE
CAR PARK 1997 NEWS REVIEW
Frontman Bez told us: "It'll be f***in' top, man. I was just saying in the pub how it'd be really great if the Roses got back together, and then after a few more pints an' that, you know, we just thought, f*** it, why don't we do it?"
The exact line-up of the reformed band has not yet been revealed, but it is believed that none or less of the original members will participate. A spokesman for Bez, who agreed to hold his drink while he went to the lavatory, told us: "Quite honestly, he's off his face. We keep telling him he was in the Happy Mondays, not the Roses, but will he listen? Will he bollocks. Anyway, we said we'd join just to keep him sweet. I mean, the Roses really need a bloke who can walk forwards a bit and then backwards a bit while holding some maracas, don't they?"
Asked if he had been disappointed when the Stone Roses split up in 1996, the spokesman replied, "I thought it was a disaster. They should have split up in 1992."
The new Stone Roses line-up.
L-R: Bez, Bernard Butler, Andrew Ridgeley and the drummer out of Mud.
A statement leaked to Alternative Car Park this morning reads: "With immediate effect, only employees of this corporation are entitled to use the word "oasis" in any context. All unofficial users of the word "oasis" have 30 days to remove it from their vocabulary, or face prosecution, a heavy fine, lengthy jail sentence and possibly death by stoning."
The move has come as a shock to most independent observers, especially in the aftermath of Sony's unsuccessful 1994 attempt to ban parents from calling their children "George" or "Michael".
A spokesman for the band, Mr Leon Gallagher (no relation) told us: "From now on, members of the publc can only refer to the band as 'That Manchester Band', although we are negotiating with the corporation in an attempt to have 'That lot that did Wonderwall' recognised as an official alternative."
The president of what was formerly known as the Oasis fan club was more forthcoming: "This is ludicrous! Fair enough, we can change our name to the That Manchester Band Fan Club, but what about the shop Oasis? The soft drink Oasis? Oasis holiday villages? The dodgy '70s hit 'Midnight At The Oasis' by Maria Muldaur? Is she going to sing 'Midnight At The Fertile Spot In The Desert'? I don't bloody well think so! And another thing! What if someone goes into a record shop, asks for the new album by 'That Manchester Band', takes it home and discovers they've been sold an Inspiral Carpets CD? Aaaargh!!!"
Leon Gallagher responded to these points thus: "Stick it up yer arse. Any more hassle off you and I'll set me big brother Neil on yer!"
We asked Neil Gallagher (no relation)
for his opinion, and he gave us this exclusive interview: "F**k off! I'm
on the lavvy!"
The plans are still top secret, but an artist's impression leaked to Alternative Car Park this morning shows that the park will include impossible game booths where every contestant is a Loser; a New Pollution water flume ride; and a hairdressing salon which offers a genuine Devil's Haircut.
A spokesman for Extreme Leisure
plc told us: "Quite honestly I've never heard of this Buck fella. I prefer
Daniel O' Donnell myself. Still, it's what the kids want, and that's where
the money is, innit? We wanted the Jacko contract but it went to Poland.
God knows why."
A spokesman for the festival, Mr David Ant, said yesterday: "The main problem with this year's festival is that nobody was prepared for the conditions. If people had known there was going to be three feet of mud, they could have come prepared. That's why we want to hold it underwater next year - partly so that the crowd can come prepared with aqualungs, wetsuits and flippers, but mainly 'cause we don't like mud. I got my Land Rover stuck in it, you know. Took me hours to get it free."
Mr Ant denies that this decision will render the festival inaccessible to hippies, crusties and poor people. "Obviously people won't be able to camp out for the weekend as normal," Ant admits, "but I don't want to give the impression that we're becoming elitist at all. Fully equipped submarines will be available for hire as an alternative to camping."
Asked about the dangers of bands
playing underwater, Mr Ant said, "Well, the bands won't be playing in the
water with all that electrical equipment, that'd be stupid, they'd get
electrocuted. They'll play on stages inside enormous perspex bubbles. Except
Kula Shaker, 'cause no-one really gives a toss about them anyway."
An unofficial spokesman for Parlophone Records contacted Alternative Car Park with the details this morning. He refused to give his name.
The full track listing for the album
will be: "Some Enchanted Evening" from South Pacific; "Oh What A Beautiful
Morning" from Oklahoma; "The Bare Necessities" from The Jungle Book; "Girl,
You'll Be A Woman Soon" from Pulp Fiction; "Do-Re-Mi" from The Sound Of
Music; "Rainy Day Women # 12 & 35" from Forrest Gump; "Sweet Transvestite"
from The Rocky Horror Picture Show; "Consider Yourself" from Oliver; "Summer
Nights" from Grease (duet with Sinead O'Connor); "Heigh-Ho" from
Snow White & The Seven Dwarfs;
and the main title theme from Star Wars.
When pressed for an album title, the spokesman responded, "Well, if you know the Pet Shop Boys, it'll probably be called Musical, won't it?"
Meanwhile, rumours that the Dust
Brothers plan to cash in on the Pet Shop Boys' success by remixing Captain
Sensible's 1982 hit version of "Happy Talk" have not yet been confirmed.
In an interview published in this month's Musical Gubbins magazine, Gallagher makes the sensational claim that Oasis mean more to today's youth than the cult 1970s TV show "Bod".
"I mean, it's f***in' obvious," claims Gallagher, "we're the biggest f***in' band in the country, right, and Bod's just a little bald git in a yellow dress. Of course we're bigger than him! Who do you think we are, Kula Shaker?"
Bod was today unavailable for comment.
Liam shows off his new haircut.
Morrissey's love of old record labels is well documented. Having previously been the only pop act signed to HMV, and subsequently released records on Parlophone, RCA Victor and Island, we can now exclusively reveal that the glum singing star is set to sign to Pye Records, once home to acts such as the Kinks, Sandie Shaw, and the Muppets.
Although the label folded in the early 1980s, the firm's chairman, Alphonse Pye, is willing to revive the label exclusively for Morrissey, in a deal believed to be worth half a million pounds.
Mr Pye told us: "I'm delighted to have a star of the quality of Mr Morrissey on my label, even though he was infinitely better when he was in The Smiths. And, quite frankly, the money will come in handy."
Morrissey was yesterday unavailable
for comment, although a neighbour told us that he was so excited about
the new deal, he actually opened the curtains for ten minutes.
The first step towards unpopularity comes with the release of their new single "Smack My Bitch Up" next month. This will be followed by new tracks such as "Watch Me Torture These Puppies", "Stick It Up Your Arse, Your Majesty" and a proposed duet with Charles Manson entitled "We Hope Everybody Dies".
This campaign will be backed up with a national tour of graveyards, during which Keith Flint will dance on graves whilst wearing full Nazi uniform. The band is also rumoured to have expressed an interest in recording a version of Mel Brookes' "Springtime For Hitler".
The plan has been dismissed as a publicity stunt by Keith's mother. "It's all nonsense," says Mrs Flint. "Keith's a lovely lad. I remember when he used to entertain the family by standing on the kitchen table and singing Bay City Rollers songs."
We asked Keith for a response to
this, but unfortunately it was unprintable.
A neighbour and close personal acquaintance of Liam's, 86 year-old Mrs Betty Hatred, told us: "Ooooh yes, I can hear him going to the toilet, the filthy devil. You can hear Patsy shouting at him. 'Are you going to be in there all day?' she shouts. And the language he uses! Oooh, it's disgusting! I remember when a man wouldn't dare use that kind of language in front of a lady! During the war, there were 27 of us all crammed into..." (continued here...)
We asked Liam for his comments,
but, oooh, the language he used! It's disgusting! I remember when a man
wouldn't dare use that kind of language in front of a reporter! During
the war...
In an exclusive fictitious interview, he told us, "Look at the Spice Girls. It's just a bunch of girlies standing up and singing! We did that first! Except that we were blokes, and there were less of us, and we played instruments!
"And Hanson! They're a direct copy of us, only younger and with only three people! I can't believe it!
"And They Might Be Giants! A perfect carbon copy of the Beatles, except with an accordion. And different songs. And people. And not as successful.
"And Chumbawamba! I don't know why they don't just call themselves the Beatles and be done with it! Grrrrr!!!"
Unfortunately our interview was
cut short at this point, as Mr Harrison was taken away for his medication.
Alternative Car Park spoke exclusively to backing shouter Dave Thang, who told us: "Who would have thought it? Twelve years we've been in this band. Twelve years! And in all that time we've done no gigs. None at all. Just buggered about impressing everybody by telling them we're in a band. Now, without any warning, bloody Chumbawamba go and get themselves a hit! Couldn't believe it! Then the offers of work started coming in. Well, of course we had to split, didn't we? I didn't join a band to do work! What's the chuffing point of that? Might as well get a real job digging holes in the road or something!"
Mr Thang is also unimpressed by
Chumbawamba's recent top 40 success in the USA. "Who the hell wants to
go to America?" he asks. "Well, actually, I can't. Not since the drugs/sex/giraffe
incident."
A close acquaintance of Bill Drummond and Jimmy Cauty told us yesterday that the band will reform in November under the name The KGB, perform a secret 7 minute concert dressed as Russian spies, and split again.
They will reform in October 1998 as Special K, perform a secret 38 second concert dressed as cereal packets, and split again.
Following this, they will reform on December 31st, 1999 as K-os, and perform a 24 hour secret concert, during which they will attempt to stop time using only the power of juggling. As this will undoubtedly fail to halt the arrival of the year 2000, the band will split at midnight and proceed to get completely legless.
In a related publicity stunt, Kula
Shaker's attempt to be recognised as an official KLF spin-off project has
been disregarded.
At a non-existent press conference, Noel told us: 'I was listening to the radio, right, and this record came on, "Stand By Me" by Oasis. And I thought, "F*** me, that sounds familiar!" So I dug out all me old records, and I realised it sounded almost identical to "Married With Children" from our first album! I couldn't believe it, that cheeky get's nicked my song!'
Following his outburst, Noel then went on to condemn the legal action. 'It's a f***ing disgrace,' he said not thirty seconds later. 'I can't believe the cheeky get! It's not "Married With Children" at all! It's "Whatever" if anything, and I f***ing wrote that! And if I want to make something of it, I'll see myself outside the Pig And Hand Grenade, half ten on Saturday morning. I'll be waiting for myself with a baseball bat.'
The legal action is expected to
drag on for several years, unless Liam can be persuaded to appear as a
witness, which is unlikely as Noel will beat him senseless if he testifies
against him.
ANUSOL spokesman Davey-boy Thompson told us: "It's an outrage! There's no inane drum machine, it has guitars on it, and worst of all, some of the lyrics actually make sense! I don't know what she's thinking of!"
Alternative Car Park understands
that ANUSOL has no powers to impose any punishment on the star, but Mr
Thompson told us this anyway: "If I had my way, I know what I'd do to that
Natalie Imbrulig... Imrublig... Ibrumli... Beth out of Neighbours. And
after I'd done that, I'd make her record a Kylie Minogue medley. And a
cover of 'Don't It Make You Feel Good' by Stefan Dennis. That was a good
'un and no mistake."
FEBRUARY
The Prodigy cause outrage at the
BRIT awards by accepting their award graciously, making a short, well-mannered
speech, and leaving the stage quietly.
MARCH
Celebrations at EMI as the first
copy of Jesus Jones' comeback album is sold.
APRIL
Further celebrations at EMI as
the second copy of Jesus Jones' comeback album is sold.
MAY
The UK wins the Eurovision Song
Contest. Huge celebratory parties are held all over Ireland as they realise
they don't have to host it next year.
JUNE
As Oasis release their first new
material for two years, Noel Gallagher announces that he wishes to be considered
as the next Pope.
JULY
Shane MacGowan is banned from his
local branch of Alcoholics Anonymous after being seen in public without
a drink in his hand.
AUGUST
Euphoria at EMI as sales of the
Jesus Jones album reach the prestigious 5 mark.
SEPTEMBER
The KLF release a new single, and
withdraw it five seconds previously, making it the shortest limited edition
of all time.
OCTOBER
The Jesus Jones album unexpectedly
sells 14,000 copies in one day. The sales are discounted and EMI's entire
workforce is sacked.
NOVEMBER
The Spice Girls break the hearts
of millions of pop fans worldwide by failing to split up.
DECEMBER
Jesus Jones' album finally goes
tin as the Christmas rush pushes sales through the all-important 10 mark.
