Yet more advice on how to cross the road without an unexpected encounter
with a twenty tonne lorry.
"Here's how to remember
the Green Cross Code."
(Why do these films always involve ice cream vans?
Does nobody cross the road for other reasons, like to buy donuts, or because
they've just seen the nerdy kid on the other side of the road and they
want to give him a damn good kicking? Anyway...)
(Beep!) "First
find a safe place to cross, then stop."
(Hmm, letters at the bottom of the screen. Must
be one of those easy to remember acronyms. Not sure what the S stands
for, though...)
(Beep!) "Stand
on the pavement, near the kerb."
(P? Oh, I get it, they're crossing the road to
go to the toilet... No, that can't be right. Not on prime time
television.)
(Beep!) "Look all
round for traffic, and listen."
(L? Are you sure? L for.... "Let's get across
this f***in' road before the ice cream melts"?)
(Beep!) "If traffic
is coming, let it pass."
(Look out! It's a man on a bike!)
(Beep!) "When there
is no traffic near, walk straight across the road."
(Hmmmm. N in this case clearly stands for "Nine",
which is the number of pints of strong lager consumed by the writer during
the writing process.)
(Beep!) "Keep looking
and listening for traffic while you cross."
(Well, normally I just shut my eyes and run like buggery,
but if you say so...)
"SPLINK!"
(How annoying would it be if kids shouted "Splink!" every
time they crossed the road? Bloody annoying, that's how annoying
it would be.)
"Well, now we'll all
remember the Green Cross Code... and use it!"
(Just when you thought things couldn't get any more surreal,
Dr Who arrives. Now, er... what did you say the Green Cross Code
was again?)
"Splink!"
(So, next time you cross the road, remember: Stop Pavement
Look If No Keep. How the hell is that going to help you cross the
road? Maybe it really stands for "Stupid Pathetic Looking Incredibly
Nauseating Kids"? Just a thought...)
