GINGERELLA

CAST (in order of appearance fee):

Gingerella, a lowly servant girl
    Geri Halliwell

Nic, a not-all-that-ugly sister who looks suspiciously like one of All Saints
    Nicole Appleton

Nat, another not-all-that-ugly sister who also looks suspiciously like one of All Saints
    Natalie Appleton

Buttons, a butler-type person doing his bit to serve the community
    George Michael

Fairy Nuff, a fairy godmother
    Marilyn Manson

Brian Pinochet, a psychopathic security guard
    Vinnie Jones

Prince Charming, a prince
    HRH Prince Charles

Scene: an old-fashioned kitchen.  The not-all-that-ugly sisters enter, wearing their most glamorous outfits (revealing tops, combat trousers and army boots).  They look around the kitchen in disgust.

Nic:  Look at the state of this place!  It's filthy!

Nat:  Urrgh!  Where's that useless servant girl?

Gingerella enters.  She is dressed all in black, with her hair tied back and no make-up on.

Nic:  Oi!  Ginger!  Isn't it about time you got off your considerable arse and cleaned the kitchen?

Gingerella:  Oh, Nat...

Nic:  NIIIIIC!!!

Gingerella:  Sorry, Nic...  Do I have to?  I'm exhausted.

Nat:  Just get on with it, you old slapper!

Gingerella:  Oh, but Nic...

Nat:  NAAAAAT!!!

Gingerella:  Sorry, Nat...  I've been out campaigning against landmines all day!

Nic:  That's not our fault.  We're the stars round here now, and we've got an awards ceremony to go to.  Come on, Nic.

Nat:  NAAAAAT!!!

Nic:  ....Oh yeah.

The sisters leave.  Fighting back tears, Gingerella picks up her broom and begins to lip-sync to someone else's voice, singing to the tune of "White Christmas"...

Gingerella:  I'm dreaming of a shite Christmas,
                Not like the ones I used to know,
                Where the treetops glistened, and children listened
                To hear me on the radio...

Buttons enters.

Buttons:  What's all the noise about?

Gingerella:  Oh, hello George!

Buttons:  Shhhh!  Not so loud!  If the papers find out I'm here, the place'll be crawling with photographers before you know it!

Gingerella:  Sorry.  So what are you doing here?

Buttons:  I'm just here to deliver some cheap sexual innuendo and single entendres as part of my community service. (Consults the script.)  "They don't call me 'Buttons' for nothing", that kind of thing.

Gingerella:  Oooh dear.

Buttons:  I know, terrible, isn't it?  Still, it's better than delivering meals on wheels.  (Consults script again.)  "Blimey, this community service lark's a right old pain in the arse."  Who writes this stuff? Anyway, back to the plot.  Why are you crying?

Gingerella:  I've forgotten.  Oh, hang on, it's because Nic and Nat have gone to the awards ceremony and left me here to clean the house and that.  Oh Buttons, I so want to go to the ceremony!  The prince is going to be there, you know.

Buttons:  Well, perhaps if you close your eyes and wish really hard, your wish might come true!  Christmas is a time for miracles and stuff.

Gingerella:  Oh Buttons, do you really think so?

Buttons:  No, of course not, but that's what it says in the script.  Anyway, I can't sit here all night, there's a big parcel with my name on it under the tree, and... (clears throat, consults script) "I can't wait to get my hands on that bulging package."  Tch.

Buttons exits.  Gingerella puts the broom down and sits down, ready to lip-sync to "When You Wish Upon A Star".  Unfortunately, some joker has swapped the tapes round, and the audience is subjected to 30 seconds of "Wish" by Nine Inch Nails.  By the time the tape is turned off, every child in the theatre is crying, and everyone in the first seven rows of the audience has been rendered completely deaf.  Suddenly there is an explosion.  The smoke clears to reveal Fairy Nuff, standing, arms folded, impatiently tapping his foot.

Fairy:  Nice bit of music, that.  Come on, I haven't got all night.

Gingerella:  Who are you?

Fairy:  I'm your fairy godmother, isn't it obvious?  You think I wear these wings for the fun of it?

Gingerella:  Hang on a minute.  Aren't you Marilyn Manson?  There's been some kind of mistake here, I think.  I was told we were going to get one of Hanson to be the fairy godmother.

Fairy:  Yes, but they're not available.  Not since they got their heads caught in that washing machine.  It's amazing the things some people wish for.  (He strokes his magic wand, thoughtfully.)  Now, do you want your wish or not?  I'm a busy man.

Gingerella:  Only one wish?  I thought it was three?

Fairy:  Three wishes?  What do you think this is, Wishes 'R' Us?  Come on, get on with it before I turn you into a slug.

Gingerella:  Ooooh... er.... well...  let's see... I want to be the most beautiful woman at the ball!

Fairy:  (looks her up and down)  That's at least three wishes' worth, lady.  Alright, I'll see what I can do.

(He waves his wand.  There is another puff of smoke, which clears to reveal Gingerella, with her hair and make-up done, wearing a very short Union Jack dress.)

Gingerella:  Wow!

Fairy:  Okay, I need a pumpkin and a couple of rats.  (Looks around the kitchen.)  Well, the rats shouldn't be a problem, but you don't seem to have any pumpkins.

Gingerella:  Hang on...  (She produces a pumpkin from a cupboard.)  Will this do?

Fairy:  Yes, that's a smashing pumpkin. (Huge groan from the audience.)  Stand back...

(He waves his wand again, and the pumpkin is magically transformed into a hearse.)

Fairy:  There you are, now you can go to the ball.

Gingerella:  Great.... but what are you going to turn the rats into?

Fairy:  Dinner!  (He picks up the rats and eats them.)  Now get to the ball before I set fire to you.  And don't forget to be back by midnight, or the whole lot goes splat.

Cautiously, Gingerella climbs into the hearse.  After an excruciatingly slow procession through the streets of London, she finally arrives at the ball.  As she exits the vehicle and tries to enter the palace, she is stopped by a burly security guard.

Guard:  Oi!  Where d'you think you're going?

Gingerella:  I'm going to the ball. (Flutters her huge eyelashes, unaware that one of them has fallen off in the hearse.)  It's okay, it's all arranged and everything.

Guard:  (consulting the guest list)  Oh no it isn't.

Gingerella:  Oh yes it is!

Guard:  (the audience starts to join in)  Oh no it isn't!

Gingerella:  (plus half the audience)  Oh yes it is!

Guard:  (producing a sawn-off shotgun)  Oh no it isn't!

Prince:  (suddenly appearing behind the security guard)  Oh yes it is!  Guards!  Arrest this man!

Guard:  But I'm the only guard, Sir.

Prince:  Oh.  Right.  Well, arrest yourself.  Off with your head, and all that.

Guard:  (obediently)  Sir! (He handcuffs himself and leads himself off stage, struggling a little.)

Prince:  Terribly sorry about that, my dear.  One simply cannot obtain the staff these days.  Won't you come inside?

Gingerella:  (giggling nervously)  Okay.  (They enter the palace.)

Prince:  Sorry, one didn't catch your name...?

Gingerella:  It's Gingerella.

Prince:  Fascinating.  And what do you do?

Gingerella:  Well... not much, at the moment.  I'm waiting for an opportunity to come along, the chance to really do something worthwhile.  Do you know what I mean?

Prince:  (sadly)  Oh yes, only too well.  Would you like to dance?

Gingerella:  Well, I'd like to, but you know, lessons are so expensive, and I never really got the hang of it, so I used to let the others cover for me...

Prince:  No, one means, would you like to dance with one?  Now?

Gingerella:  Oh!  (Giggles again.)  Oh yes!

The Prince leads Gingerella to the dancefloor, where they dance for the rest of the evening.  On the way to the dancefloor, they pass Nic and Nat.

Nat:  Hey, Nat...

Nic:  NIIIIIC!!!

Nat:  Sorry.  Hey, Nic, did you see that?

Nic:  Yeah, it looked like....  Naah, it couldn't be.

Gingerella:  (as she dances past)  Oh yes it could!

Nat and Nic:  Oh no it couldn't!

Gingerella and the Prince:  (dancing past again)  Oh yes it could!

Nic:  Oh shut up.  How did she get here?  It's a disaster!  She's going to be dancing with the prince all night!

Nat:  No point in us being here now.  Come on, Nic.

Nic:  NAAAAAT!!!

Nat:  Eh?

Nic:  Oh, sorry.  Force of habit.

They leave.  Gingerella and the Prince dance on, until the clock unexpectedly strikes midnight.

Gingerella:  Oh!  It's midnight!  I have to go!  (She runs outside.)

Prince:  Go?  Go where?  (He stands, fiddling with his cufflinks.)  What's happening?  Where did she go?

Gingerella runs outside and jumps into the hearse, just as it turns back into a pumpkin.  She lands on the ground with a splat.

Gingerella:  Oh bugger.

She picks herself up, brushes most of the excess pumpkin off her dress, and runs home.  The Prince rushes outside, just to see her disappearing into the distance.

Prince:  Dash it all.  One wishes one could see her again.

There is an explosion, during which the Prince stands fiddling with his cufflinks, unsure of what is going on.  The smoke clears to reveal Fairy Nuff, coughing and spluttering.

Fairy:  Jesus!  They said they were gonna fix that.  Oh, hello, your highness.  (He curtseys.)

Prince:  Ah, excellent.  Sorry, one didn't catch your name...?

Fairy:  Nuff, your highness.  Fairy Nuff.  It's a sort of joke, you see.

Prince:  Splendid.  And what do you do?

Fairy:  I'm the anti-Christ, your highness.  Oh, and I also grant wishes.

Prince:  Fascinating.  You know, one is so lucky to be able to meet people from all walks of life.  Even third-rate Alice Cooper impersonators like yourself.

Fairy:  Don't push your luck, fella.  Er, I mean, can I grant you a wish, your highness?

Prince:  Ah, splendid, yes.  I'd like to see that fine young lady again.

Fairy:  What, Ginger?  Are you sure?  I can fix you up with a couple of film stars.  Specialist films, you know...  (He nudges the Prince in the ribs.)  What d'you say, eh?  Eh?

Prince:  Thank you, no.  One's heart is set on the lovely Gingerella.

Fairy:  Well, if you say so.  (He waves his wand, and they find themselves outside Gingerella's house, with the Prince holding a large cardboard shoebox.)  There, now get on with it.  (He vanishes.)

Prince:  What a fascinating young man! (He knocks on the door.)

Buttons:  (Opening the door.)  Yes?  Oh Christ, it's not the pigs again, is it?

Prince:  No, kind sir, one is Prince Charming, and one seeks the fair maiden whose foot this shoe fits.

Buttons:  Blimey.  You'd better come in, your highness.

The Prince follows Buttons into the kitchen.  Gingerella is scrubbing the floor, while Nic and Nat sit around eating chocolates.

Buttons:  His Royal Highness, Prince Charming!  (Consults the script.)  "He wishes to show you the contents of his box."  Are you sure John Inman wasn't available?
 
Prince:  Whoever this shoe fits, one shall marry!  (He opens the box with a dramatic flourish.)
 
Nic:  (Looking inside the shoebox)  Is this some kind of joke?  (She reaches inside and pulls out an enormous platform shoe.)  I wouldn't be seen dead in this!
 
Nat:  Urrrrgh!  Me neither!  Go on, get out of it!  Go and talk to your plants or something!
 
Sadly, the Prince turns to leave.  Suddenly, Gingerella finds the courage to speak.
 
Gingerella:  Your highness.... may I try the shoe on?
 
Prince:  (Looking her up and down)  You?  With your lank hair, dull clothes and... one leg shorter than the other?
 
Gingerella:  It's not!  I'm limping because I mysteriously lost my other platform shoe!  Go on, give it here and I'll show you!
 
Prince:  Err...  (looks around desperately)  ...One's just remembered, one has an urgent appointment... to have one's.... err... legs waxed.  (He drops the shoe and flees.)
 
Gingerella:  (Fighting back tears again.)  Oh, it's so unfair!
 
Buttons:  Oh, never mind, Gingerella, things could be worse.
 
Gingerella:  (sobs)  How?
 
Buttons:  Well..... you could be Andrew Ridgeley.

THE END.